it's four am

april 22, 2014.

it's four am again and I'm thinking

when will I learn?

I made my bed, I washed my sheets

only because I'm needy

and afraid of rejection

I stare in the mirror when you miss me

I pluck my eyebrows

I'm organizing my room

only because I'm anxious

in the ass

I would give anything for this class to end

I would give anything to be able to sleep

or to give up on being "social"

or go "full throttle"

will I go to my friend's half birthday party? I don't know.

I really, really don't want to.

I would give anything to punch my professor in the face

and to set my email account on virtual fire

and cut this girl's hair off who's sitting in front of me

I would give anything to get away with being fucked up

I would give anything to go back and avoid

accumulating four ACES

-abandoned by parent

-family member with addiction

-family member with mental illness

-family member deceased

I would give anything to hide this

from my face and my posture and the way I talk

or don't talk

I would give anything for time

time to sleep for a month

cry for a month

hurt myself for a month

fuck for a month

write, holed up, with books, for a month

become a successful writer

forever

I would give anything to fuck historical trauma

and racism

and classism

and sexism

in the ASS

the future is so close

february 4, 2013.

listening to classical music, wishing I was dancing. wishing this essay was over. overhearing girls talk about "ethnic hair" and how people know how to work it. I'm thinking about tomorrow and how hard it will be to get myself out of bed. I'll open my window and stare at amsterdam avenue like I do every morning, convincing myself to get up within in the next 3 minutes. I'll then chose an outfit that will make me feel comfortable enough to hide in but "fierce" enough to protect.

 its painful, sitting in front of an illuminated screen and gutting your mind for motivation. or maybe even an idea to start to fester into a sort of motivation. there's always that factor of getting sleep, but lately I've been neglecting the necessity. there's the need to get a good grade, but this only throws me off into tangent of anxious confusion. the future seems too close, so close that you can't even make your eyes focus on it because it's pressed against your fucking nose.