mother's day

may 11, 2014.

it's mother's day and I just found out my grandmother has cancer

all I can think of is disease and you so far away from me

you've been looking so tired lately

I know how hard it's all been on you

you're fighting and you're winning

but at what cost keeps my heart in knots

I call you and you answer and your voice is tired and crying

but you don't break, you're slipping up but never falling down

I wish you knew how much I cared

I promise myself to call you more

to be a more present best friend

to be the people who have left us

but watch us in a whisper from the trees

I would hold your hand in the sunlight

may

I would hold your hand in the sunlight

I would wipe the sweat from your brow

I would kiss your lips when they're red 

and your nose is running

and you're out of breath

I would ignore all the ways

your ex girlfriend tries to destroy us

I can't have sweet thoughts of you anymore

innocence does not exist

we're all guilty and wrong

I was never "the one"

but the first to give you what you needed

it's four am

april 22, 2014.

it's four am again and I'm thinking

when will I learn?

I made my bed, I washed my sheets

only because I'm needy

and afraid of rejection

I stare in the mirror when you miss me

I pluck my eyebrows

I'm organizing my room

only because I'm anxious

summer housing

april

feel like all I care about these days

is what you think of me

and not eating too many carbs

and finding summer housing

I've seen you four times

april 4, 2014.

the first time I ever saw you:

surf and turf night, oversized crawfish impostors

your scruffy, uneven cut honey sand smeared mess

girl I knew from class, but didn't notice me

the second time I saw you:

sweaty, uncomfortable, fourloko

lipstick drunk (so fucking sweaty)

back against the wall, too cool for me

the third time I saw you:

library, trying to focus

tattoos on your forearm, hello girlfriend

smart, making rounds, making eye contact with me

the fourth time I saw you:

caught off guard, entertaining banalities

plaid dress, crochet, broadway

heart splintered into bloody thump when you walked past me

haikus

february

feel like I'm trippin

academic free fall

I hate being here

++

in the library

buying hazelnut coffee

get out of my way

++

motivation, it's

at an all time low I'd say

started work too late

improvements

february

I've been trying to make improvements, in my life

I deleted tumblr, ask.fm, candy crush from my phone

but I re-downloaded tumblr already

I work out with a friend after classes and before dinner

I eat a westside salad with extra avocado

I sit in a room and prepare

in the ass

I would give anything for this class to end

I would give anything to be able to sleep

or to give up on being "social"

or go "full throttle"

will I go to my friend's half birthday party? I don't know.

I really, really don't want to.

I would give anything to punch my professor in the face

and to set my email account on virtual fire

and cut this girl's hair off who's sitting in front of me

I would give anything to get away with being fucked up

I would give anything to go back and avoid

accumulating four ACES

-abandoned by parent

-family member with addiction

-family member with mental illness

-family member deceased

I would give anything to hide this

from my face and my posture and the way I talk

or don't talk

I would give anything for time

time to sleep for a month

cry for a month

hurt myself for a month

fuck for a month

write, holed up, with books, for a month

become a successful writer

forever

I would give anything to fuck historical trauma

and racism

and classism

and sexism

in the ASS

I don't need your approval

I DON'T NEED YOUR APPROVAL!!!!

goes to college, gets an internship, takes a shower, wears eyeliner, gets a phd, becomes a professor, changes batteries, updates Facebook, clips toenails, makes out with boys

feeding you

february

I miss you like a child

fondest memories: you feeding me

me feeding you

meatball subs at 10 am

because of exams

--I take care of you.

a certain song

february

today I told my friend I couldn't imagine

fucking you to a certain song

then I realized that there are times

when I can't imagine fucking you at all

proud to be your daughter

february

proud to be

your daughter

proud to be 

five feet of 

reservation water

in the city

10 Things You Don't Know About American Indians

thought catalog published something I wrote called "10 things you don't know about american indians"

I Lost My Dad To Addiction

thought catalog published something I wrote called "I lost my dad to addiction"