mother's day

may 11, 2014.

it's mother's day and I just found out my grandmother has cancer

all I can think of is disease and you so far away from me

you've been looking so tired lately

I know how hard it's all been on you

you're fighting and you're winning

but at what cost keeps my heart in knots

I call you and you answer and your voice is tired and crying

but you don't break, you're slipping up but never falling down

I wish you knew how much I cared

I promise myself to call you more

to be a more present best friend

to be the people who have left us

but watch us in a whisper from the trees

I would hold your hand in the sunlight

may

I would hold your hand in the sunlight

I would wipe the sweat from your brow

I would kiss your lips when they're red 

and your nose is running

and you're out of breath

I would ignore all the ways

your ex girlfriend tries to destroy us

I can't have sweet thoughts of you anymore

innocence does not exist

we're all guilty and wrong

I was never "the one"

but the first to give you what you needed

it's four am

april 22, 2014.

it's four am again and I'm thinking

when will I learn?

I made my bed, I washed my sheets

only because I'm needy

and afraid of rejection

I stare in the mirror when you miss me

I pluck my eyebrows

I'm organizing my room

only because I'm anxious

summer housing

april

feel like all I care about these days

is what you think of me

and not eating too many carbs

and finding summer housing

I've seen you four times

april 4, 2014.

the first time I ever saw you:

surf and turf night, oversized crawfish impostors

your scruffy, uneven cut honey sand smeared mess

girl I knew from class, but didn't notice me

the second time I saw you:

sweaty, uncomfortable, fourloko

lipstick drunk (so fucking sweaty)

back against the wall, too cool for me

the third time I saw you:

library, trying to focus

tattoos on your forearm, hello girlfriend

smart, making rounds, making eye contact with me

the fourth time I saw you:

caught off guard, entertaining banalities

plaid dress, crochet, broadway

heart splintered into bloody thump when you walked past me

haikus

february

feel like I'm trippin

academic free fall

I hate being here

++

in the library

buying hazelnut coffee

get out of my way

++

motivation, it's

at an all time low I'd say

started work too late

improvements

february

I've been trying to make improvements, in my life

I deleted tumblr, ask.fm, candy crush from my phone

but I re-downloaded tumblr already

I work out with a friend after classes and before dinner

I eat a westside salad with extra avocado

I sit in a room and prepare